Full

Day one of the Metaphysical Fair went well, very well. [See previous post for details about this weekend’s fair.]

This is the first time I’ve done a fair by myself.  I wasn’t so much nervous about the readings, but I was a little concerned about getting through 8 hours if I wasn’t busy.

As it turned out, I was busy.  I did six readings, plus talked to some that stopped by to look at my book, and I got to meet a bunch of the other readers.  Many around me treated me really well and that was nice and welcoming.

Today’s another full day, so hopefully it’s more of the same.  However, before I leave, I do want to share with you a couple of messages that came through in an especially fun way.

The 9 of Wands is one of those positive cards that sometimes doesn’t feel quite so positive.  The message is:

You’re almost there – you’re 90% done.

Yet, as a Software Engineer, I remember how hard it is that last 10%.  We used to say that it takes 90% of the effort to complete the last 10%.

Well, spirit gave me a new way to think of this card.  Yesterday, they said it’s like a pregnancy.  The hardest part is the very end, the birth.  I don’t have to be a mom to imagine just how tough that last part can be.  And maybe my imagination is not even close, but I have heard the stories.

And speaking of being full and ready to give birth…

Now this general topic you’ve heard me talk about a number of times.  After all, spirit has told me over and over how important it is to emote.  If you feel hurt, emote hurt.  If you feel anger, emote anger.  Feeling and emoting are two different things.  Feeling gives you information, but emoting keeps you healthy.  We are not meant to carry emotion around, most especially hurt. And it is the carrying of hurt and pain that can be the cause of illness.

But spirit gave me another quite eloquent analogy for this – and it’s quite funny.  They said when you’re walking around with a heart full of pain, it’s just like when you’re walking around with a full bladder. You can’t think straight.  You can’t concentrate.  You can’t hear what someone is really saying to you. It’s hard to walk.  It’s hard to drive.  It’s hard to do anything productive.

When you’re bladder is full, all you want to do is empty it, and once you do, you feel such relief.  And then you can think straight.  And then you can listen.  And then you can get on with your day.

Well, when your heart is full of pain and hurt, it keeps you from seeing clearly, from letting love in, from hearing what someone is really saying to you.  It makes it hard to create and manifest your dreams.

So empty your heart. Relieve yourself, then get on with your life! [That’s them talking to me.]

I’ll tell you – easier said than done.  And why do you think I hear that message so much?

Let me tell you a story – it’s actually about my grandmother.

About 15 years ago, my grandmother was staying with me for a month. I was living in California at the time.  Well one day, I got a call from my mother, her daughter, and she told me that my grandmother’s dog died.  She then asked if I would be the one to give her the news.

Boy did I dread that.  I so didn’t want to do it, but I agreed that it would be better for her to be told in person.  So I waited until after dinner, and then just told her straight out.  What happened next shocked me.

My grandmother’s reaction was extreme.  She wailed.  She screamed.  She agonized.  Tears poured out of her.  I held her hand the whole time, but was completely in shock.  I wasn’t prepared for that much emotion.  It was startling.  I was still young enough to remember extreme emotion which meant that I did something wrong, so those two things were linked.

But this is the amazing part.  About 15 minutes later, she was calm – completely calm.  She was ok.  She was going to be ok and she knew that.  In fact, the rest of the time she was with me in CA, she was fine.  She had gotten it all out, right there, in one extreme expression.

Do you know that when she died about 7 years later, I did not cry – or hardly.  I was happy that she left having retained her independence until the end.  I knew she was ready. She had told us the year before that it was her last Christmas.  And I knew she was in a good place, a better place.

But what I didn’t do was allow myself to grieve my loss.  I didn’t allow myself to process my pain.

Five years after my grandmother died, I met a dear sweet medium here in Austin.  And one day, for fun, I asked her to contact my grandmother.  Well, at first she got both of them, but then we focused on my mother’s mom since she was the one I knew better.

And when my grandmother came through, I instantly broke down and sobbed.  I cried more than I had in the entire five years preceding that day. And my grandmother then said to me, “Why were you holding on to all of that?”

Just today, I realized something.  My grandmother, being a woman of a different generation and culture (Italian), knew better.  She must have been taught, maybe subtly, that emoting was healthy.  She knew to let it out and came back from other side to tell me, and help me.  I wasn’t taught that. I grew up as a boy in this culture where I was shown by everyone around me that it was not good for a boy to cry.  It made me a sissy.

And here I am, 42, able to cry, but still with a heart that’s not as empty as it could be.  If I died tomorrow, my heart would not be as light as a feather and Anubis would not be pleased.

So, I guess I have my work cut out for me, and have for a long time.  But progress is being made.

And I just got another message.  I’ve carried around an old belief with me ever since I was the fat kid who got made fun of on the bus and ran home crying.  I’ve, for years, thought I had to lose weight to be loved.  The truth is, the only weight I need to lose is the weight in my heart, and it’s not about being loved, but simply to allow love in.

So if you ever hear a voice in your head telling you that you need to lose weight, ask if it’s the weight in your heart that needs to go.  I kind of think I know the answer…