One thing I love about living in Texas is that I have become reacquainted with the thunderstorm. I grew up in the Northeast, where we had some amazing displays in the summertime. However, the 20+ years in California took them more or less away from me. The climate was just too temperate for the thunderous events.
This house I live in now, as of January, has given a whole new meaning to the thunderous roar. In three short months, I’ve already felt as if the house would be knocked off its pillars a number of times. It is amazing how much movement a crack of thunder makes here.
Yet, even so, the jolt quickly dissipates. Compare that to an earthquake. The largest I’ve experienced up close was Loma Prieta, the 7.1 that hit San Francisco in 1989. Some friends of mine talked about what the waves of movement felt like standing on raw earth. I was up a flight inside of a building, so my experience was different.
The point is, a jolt of earth movement results in waves of motion. It is just as with thunder, but slowed down and more intense.
Well, today, I am realizing that the flash of insight I sought yesterday was indeed much more like an earthquake.
First, let me back up. Saturday morning after my last blog post, I did a Tarot reading for myself and it was nice to see. It was pleasant and foretold of good times ahead. These are not that uncommon for me lately and I patiently await what they speak of with bated breath.
However, yesterday, when I did another reading, what I saw would be scary to a novice. It was a drastic departure from the day before. The card that was front and center was The Tower. Take a look. Do you think this could be the flash of insight I was seeking? The Tower is about disruption, collapse, and a sharp departure from the status quo. It needn’t be negative, but it’s likely to be jarring.
The Strength card was just beneath it. Either the experience was going to build up strength within me, or require all that I had.
The card in the past was the Page of Swords. By my Astrological system, this would be an Aquarius man or woman. At first, I wasn’t sure who that was, so I let it be.
Saturday, I spoke of the Moon-Jupiter conjunction and the bigness of feeling it ought to create. Well, pretty much at the stroke of noon, that is exactly what happened with me. What surprised me was the actual emotion felt: fear. That too was foretold in my earlier reading. The greatest challenge was shown as fear. The specific fear I felt was dread, foreboding, as if something really bad was imminent. It literally took my breath away. Luckily, it didn’t last long.
But it did further exhaust me. I had already woken feeling drained, and after the onset of dread, I felt more so. So the potential activities for the day were called off. I figured it would be good ultimately because it would allow me more time to catch the pending insight.
Yet, 3:30 came and went and I hadn’t found any thoughts that were specifically profound. I did make some interesting discoveries in my research for the new Astrology class, but not with specific understanding or meaning.
Fast forward to this morning. Imagine that feeling when you are lying in bed and every part of your body hurts. Every muscle, your throat, your lungs, even the heart. That’s what it felt like. Whatever was slowing me down the day before did me in fully today.
An interesting thing about extended time in bed sick is the thoughts that rise up. For me, it was memories centered on people I knew 28 years ago. [For the record, that’s nearly a full Saturn cycle ago.]
So now I’m feeling waves, but still nothing profoundly insightful.
After I wake, I lie there thinking about my class. I imagine being there and fantasize about the material covered and questions I might get. And then I get an insight into my own chart. I am visualizing it in my mind and suddenly I see new interpretations! Cool. I even consider if this is the insight I sought, but don’t feel it is strong enough just yet.
In pain, but not able to lie down any longer, I drag myself to the computer. I am looking for connections between 1984 and now. I am looking at where the Uranus-Mercury conjunction hit my chart. I am searching for answers. Meanwhile, that same Tarot card reading is sitting next to my keyboard. Surely there’s something there…
Now it’s Monday afternoon and I still feel as bad as ever. All I want is this pain to end. “OK,” I say to myself, “I got the message, can we get past this now?”
I go back to a moment lying in bed earlier when I first noticed how it hurt all the way to the bottom of my lungs. It sure felt like my heart was the source of pain. And at that time, I had been thinking about guys I liked a great deal when I was young.
So maybe this illness is really just that old, old pain leaving my body in a loud and noticeable way.
And then the ground really gets moving. I look at the reading and pow – the biggest insight arrived. The Aquarian! That’s Susan!
How could I overlook that? Susan was the majority of my focus for a week as I did what I could to support her time here. And I was the last person she worked on before leaving.
That’s it! Susan worked on various areas, as did my sister – Terry Tangredi – the acupuncturist. One of those areas is the semi-chronic pain behind my heart. Well, I guess I couldn’t hold it out any longer. It moved from behind my heart, into my heart and lungs. Now I’m feeling my old emotional pain as this physical illness.
All of the pieces fit, the astrological research, the insights in my chart, the memories, and these painful flu symptoms. Ask and ye shall receive.
Too bad none of what I discovered pushed the pain away – at least not yet. I need to stay present with this and know where it originated. Breathe and release. It’ll be through before I know it.
I see the cards that are ahead of me in that reading, and I understand what is being told – at least to a degree. There’s change coming and I welcome it…