Today is January 20, 2012. 1-20-2012. It’s like we’re counting, but stuck at 1-2.
The T-Square I wrote of last time is as tight as it’s going to get. The Sun already squared off with Saturn, and will have its turn with Jupiter soon enough. And today the Sun made the transition from Capricorn to Aquarius.
When I wrote the previous article As the Dust Settles, I was in the mood to write. I didn’t have a topic, so I pulled up one of my favorite sites: www.PlanetWatcher.com and that’s when I saw the T-Square. It struck me as pertinent – so I wrote what I saw.
In that post, I said the music would stop and we’ll all have to sit. Turns out, I did need to sit, but the music did not stop.
As I get settled in my new place, I have a routine. I put on some music and work through my list: fixing, cleaning, unpacking, putting stuff together. It’s all I can do.
Moves have a way of putting me in a different place. Ha! Yes, literally, that’s obvious. But then it seeps in and I find myself feeling things I haven’t felt in a while. It’s all I can do.
Today, my music listening was via Pandora, and on one of the stations I had created recently: The Cars. When songs are picked for that station, I hear music from my youth. The Cars hit their peak in the 70s and I was very young then, but their popularity lasted into the 80s and that’s when I was a bit more into them.
Today, within the shuffle, a song comes on called It’s All I Can Do. When I first hear it, I jump up and give it a thumbs up. I love that song! Mid-afternoon, I decide to take a break. I’m craving that song again, and thus pull up YouTube and search for it. Sure enough – it’s there. So I listen to it again… and again… It’s all I can do.
Oddly, I feel nostalgic. I long for the 70s again, but I hardly remember them. Thoughts flow through my mind that can’t be mine. I wasn’t old enough to drive in the 70s. But I remember – and feel – experiences. Life was so – uncomplicated. It was free. It was emotional. It was all about love.
Am I detecting this empathically? Is it in the song? Where is this coming from? It’s all I can do.
And then my chest breaks open. First just a crack, but then the gushing rips it apart and I’m sobbing. I am in pain. I am grieving – the loss of a lover, a father, youth, life… A line in the song says “you don’t want to get hurt” and as I hear it for the 50th time, I sob even harder. It’s all I can do.
I feel regret for a life that wasn’t lived the way I wanted. When I was young, I felt so much. I felt magic, connection, love, and pain – and the pain was so unbearable at times.
At some point, I couldn’t take it any longer. I shut myself off from the pain. And it stopped. No more emotional hurt. No more longing for the touch of a specific person. No more magic. I heard. I saw. I sensed. But I didn’t feel.
It’s at this point I’m going to make a confession to you. I know that I have been closed for years now. I’ve been hiding. In this state, I couldn’t feel, but my sensing grew. It got so strong, I couldn’t be out there any more. Even with nothing happening to me, I sensed so much. The pain was there – everywhere I looked. I could feel it empathically, even while I kept mine hidden away. But this is no way to live.
So I spoke to my guides, my group, my God. I knew I had to make a change. I had to face my fear – and the pain – and the possibility that I could hurt so profoundly again like I did when I was young. But I didn’t want to hurt. I knew that if I opened the door, it would be the first thing I would feel. It was all still there after all. But how can one truly love without the possibility of feeling pain?
“One too many times, I fell over you” – that line just played – and boy was that my life time and time again.
So I walk – with headphone on – and listen. As I felt such regret for a life not lived the way I wanted it to be, I realize that I did the best I could. I couldn’t have lived it differently. And I am living the best way I know. It’s all I can do.
The Tarot cards warned me. I did a reading for myself this morning for the first time in weeks. In the immediate future was that card that used to hurt so much in my youth – the 10 of Swords. When that card showed its face, I knew it would be bad. I knew it would hurt. And it did.
But none of this crosses my mind this morning. I hadn’t felt that way in so long, why would I anticipate this? And when I first woke, I was so excited for the day.
Now, I can’t stop feeling. I can’t stop listening. I can’t stop crying. It’s all I can do.
This time, the shedding of pain is cathartic. All I have to do is stop the music and the feelings stop – the memories – the nostalgia. But I can’t. I have to keep listening. It’s all I can do.
The truth is, I don’t know what this pain is about specifically – or why this one song triggers it. Yes, it is familiar; I’ve felt it so many times before.
I’m still listening to that song – It’s all I can do. I still feel loss and regret. A part of me wishes I was a teenager and could do it all over again, but differently this time. I guess I’ll get my chance in another life.
So – now – I sit while the music plays on. It’s all I can do.
I am in between one place and another – and I don’t regret today. A part of me is coming back – and I’ve missed him so much. When I think about the man (boy) I used to be – the one who felt so strongly – I love him. I’m proud of him. I’m looking forward to having him around again cause this adult life I’ve been living has needed him around. I guess I have been waiting for him.
It’s all I can do – to keep waiting for you.
It’s all I can do